Last week I promised you sex. And you will receive sex. Consider this also a trigger warning if you’re squeamish or conservative about physical intimacy. Delete this email and come back next week, sis.
So first, a preamble.
On our walk last Monday morning, bestie David said, “There was one thing I take issue with from last night’s Substack. You said there was an element of your relationship with him that was Magniiiiiiiificent. I don’t recall you ever making that claim when you were actually together.”
What was magnificent was in the deepest, most private layers of intimacy with my most recent ex-boyfriend. Deep under the covers (literal and metaphorical) where our spiritual and physical selves danced. Those dances are what defied description and inclusion in my usual daily chatter. But I’m going to try here. Let’s see how it goes…
Let’s begin at the very first date: November 2. No, we didn’t have sex. But if I’m interested in a man, I need to kiss him before I see him again. If the kiss is wrong, the man is wrong. Simple as that.
His kiss was wrong.
It was all sloppy lips and no tongue. No artistry. No dance. No seduction.
But we discussed my pedestal thing last week, right? Well, this man gave me such a nice pedestal right off the bat. Plus, I really did love talking to him. We were both into meditation, Buddhism, rap music. Both originally from similar areas and backgrounds. He felt like home even though his lips felt like a hard left into the wrong neighborhood.
Me being me, I couldn’t let some bad kissing ruin a good pedestal. So, date number 2, he mentioned how much he loved kissing me last time. I said something like I found his tongue to be a little…shy. (I know, I’m a bitch, but am I, really? I vote No. I’m honest. How else is a girl going to get what she wants? 🤷🏻♀️) He seemed a little zapped by my comment, but he didn’t address it. We moved on in conversation.
We saw each other a few times that first week.
I made the tongue comment each time and we didn’t go any farther than a tiny bit of kissing because…
I didn’t like kissing him.
I broke up with him at the end of that first week. I just couldn’t do it. It’s like wearing shoes that are the wrong size. And it wasn’t just his kissing. His bathroom wasn’t clean enough. That’s important, don’t you think? 😬 And yes, I’m aware of what I sound like and that’s part of the story so stay with me.
This was still early November 2021.
He gave me a week of space and then started checking in platonically. And in time, he became a real friend. After all, we had plenty in common and I felt comfortable I wasn’t leading him on. I was very transparent about my dating life and we just had a calling and texting friendship. Nothing IRL.
One night in early December, we almost got together. It was a Friday. I didn’t have my kids or any plans. He suggested dinner and I said Maybe. But then a cute guy I’d matched with on Raya a year earlier came to town from LA. He called me spur of the moment and I went to dinner with him instead. Platonic Friend was kinda miffed but we were just friends so I hoped he’d cut me some slack. I had a great date and I told him all about it. (I eventually slept with Raya guy – and yes, I told PF about that, too. Side note: Possibly the worst sex ever.)
I felt like our friendship was getting a little clingy on both sides. I spoke to him from Egypt every day. So we agreed to do a 2 week no-contact fast over Christmas. My idea, but he was game. We both got Covid, two days in. Weird considering we hadn’t seen each other since the first week of November.
At one point in January, I was methodically untangling a big emotional knot from my childhood. (You may remember I took the month off writing to specifically work on it therapeutically. I know, I’m a nut. What can I say? My life’s work is my life’s work.) This exploration TOTALLY dismantled me. For about two weeks, I was having panic attacks and trouble sleeping for the very first time in my life. It was very challenging as I integrated these new understandings into my life. (Btw - this is when meditation became a daily practice and craniosacral became my bodywork of choice.) But this man…Platonic Friend? Oof. He literally put Humpty Dumpty back together again with his arms and his love. One time, I was literally having a panic attack and just drove straight to his house. I will never forget how he showed up for me. He just held me until it passed. No words. No solutions. Just held me like a Pachamama…a divine Earth Mother.
In those months of friendship, we shared so much about ourselves over hours and hours of phone conversations. The kind you may remember having in high school. We explored each other’s interiority with hunger and determination. As though we would learn about ourselves through the other. No topic was off limits. “Did you understand I was telling you I don’t think you’re a good kisser? Oh, yes. I got that message. How did that feel? How did you feel in the moment? What does that say about me that I said that?” And sometimes my inquiries got too invasive and judgemental and resulted in breaks in our communication: “When you let your ex-girlfriend smoke weed on the windowsill of your apartment, what did you think your kids were experiencing?”
But the dismantling of my armor during this time made me see him totally differently.
January 29. We had sex for the first time. It. Was. Amazing.
It was amazing for earthlings. We hadn’t seen anything yet.
Oh, and he changed his kissing for me. Kissing him now felt like home. And yes, it makes me sad to realize how conditional my love was.
Unsurprisingly, we had a hiccup in our physical relationship.
Ok beloved reader… don’t hate me.
I’m going to have it put the rest of this letter behind a paywall. Not because I want to do a cash grab in exchange for sexual content. But because I have a teenager who roams the internet with her friends, as teenagers do. And this is a conversation that requires closed doors and hushed voices. It’s simply my boundary. I’m sure you understand. You can always get just a month’s subscription. Paid subscribers can keep reading. Oh, and please don’t subscribe or keep reading if you don’t want to read pretty explicit sexual content. Just come back next week. Thanks and apologies.
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