Hey!
First of all, I canāt even wish you a happy holiday without first just saying, Hi! I missed you. I didnāt know I needed time to recover until the moment I realized I needed time to recover and in that moment, I just pulled the cord, jumped out (and off social media) and took care of myself. You sensed it and so beautifully gave me that space. Thank you, dear reader.
Second, Happy Holidays from my family to yours. And since we are family anyway, let me tell you this: I got what I wanted for Christmas! I am officially cancer-free. I wonāt bore you with all the details. It was a rough summer and Iām still smoothing out the edges. I will be just fine but you can imagine how I ādoā recovery. I do recovery like the Kardashianās do Christmas. I take it really seriously. I take it the way I wish Iād been taught to take it. The way I wish weād all been taught to take it. You know what I mean, right? Youād fall and scrape your knee as a little kid and someone would say, āYouāre okay! Yay!ā and clap or some other positive phrase intended to distract you from the pain yet is totally not related to your current experience: The beginning of gas lighting. Child you is thinking, No - actually Iām not alright but most of us kind of quickly recover with a baffled smile on our faces. And eventually we become older kids who hold the hell of middle school inside and just grow tougher because of it. Tough is good, isnāt it? Our culture certainly thinks so! (Spoiler alert, I donāt think tough and resilient should be considered synonyms - our emotional lives require more nuance.) And then we become tough young adults who deal with crazy shit in college that really isnāt right. (I remember a friend once saying about some guys in our crowd, āThey were kinda rapey, right?ā) š¤·š»āāļø And then, of course, we are the grown ups at work, pulling late hours, killing it while slowly killing ourselves, still giving that forced smile to Mommy. Look Mom, Iām okay! Yay!
But are you really?
As my 15 year-old would say with an eye roll, āDebatable.ā
Luckily, today I do better for myself. When I felt badly over the summer, I didnāt create a Cancer Superhero alter ego. I slept. And wasnāt looking to check anyone elseās opinion of how Iām doing which is why I went off social media. (Well, I DO still have a TikTok account because I also have a teen daughter who keeps starting new accounts to dodge me.)
My history with social media began in 2019 because I was curious about an IG account called Thank You Atoosa. There, I met the brilliant Casey Lewis, a former reader, now Gen Z guru. Casey graciously helped me figure out how to set up my IG and I seriously hope she kept records of the embarrassingly specific questions I would pepper her with (Exhibit A - see video below with the volume on) as I was trying to set up my Instagram, and then this Substack. She may have been a CG!/Seventeen reader in the aughts, but today, I buy my own girls whatever she tells me to on her Substack. It has been a full-circle moment. I love being her reader.
What, it turns out, I donāt love? Social Media.
It started out innocently enough. A new portal to the world. I couldnāt help but take a peek and then also give peeks of my life. Simple. Most of you do some version of that. No biggie.
But when I went off to give myself a true rest while I was going through radiation, I noticed that every time I sat on the toilet (I drink 100 ounces of water a day, Sis, so thatās a lot of bathroom time!), I would reflexively try to click on my (now non-existent) IG icon. It was an impulse that took maybe a month to kick. TBH, I didnāt like the feeling of being soā¦conditioned, like a robot. But most importantly, I found so much more time in my day. Time for rest when I needed it. But also time for all the things you and I are always running out of time to do. I literally FOUND TIME. I meanā¦do I need to say more? And I didnāt lose anything - except for extra useless mental chatter that I certainly didnāt need. Itās been a win win scenario for me. No downside, outside of the initial withdrawal.
You might wonder, why go off social media altogether? Just stop posting! Fair. The real time suck for me was looking at other peopleās posts. And no matter how deep into the folders of my phone I stuck that IG App, I was magnetized to check it. Meta is so good at what they do! I can honestly say nothing Iāve seen on social has deeply changed my life for the better, but not having those IG or FB log in credentials has vastly improved my life. Itās given me great solace during a challenging year.
So thatās all she wrote. My Christmas haul is my health, more time, less chatter. I continue to be so grateful for my wonderful children (and yes! My partner, Anthony who makes everything sweeter - Iām going to attach a video of my last day of radiation and Anthonyās reaction to my ringing the bell so you can see his character - and unfortunately, MINE as I tease him for crying! Yes, Iām still a work in progress.). If I was feeling better at the time, I would have shared it with you in real time, so please think of this as an old-fashioned Christmas letter.
To that end, I wanted to tell you that your old friend is good. Iām still learning and growingā¦still overthinking and analyzing everythingā¦just not sharing on social. Instead, Iām sitting with and considering the best way TO share it and to be in community as authentically as possible. In this moment, I rest in a place Iām very familiar with: The Great I Donāt Know. What I DO know is that I appreciate you and I wish you a really beautiful 2024 full of extra time. a slower pace and really special people you can share that time and pace with. I love you, my dear friend. I know the world feels very frightening at times, I hope there are places of solace you can carve out for yourself. Even if I donāt send out a letter, Iām still here 24/7, as always, at atoosa@atoosa.com.
I am so happy to have your voice back in our lives again. You have certainly earned your own wings this year and for many years to come. Hereās to the healthiest year ahead!
Omg omg! Last week I was thinking of you so dearly...so so happy for your recovery šš happy 2024!