
How To Hook š£ A Commitment-Phobe
By Me...The Commitment-Phobe š¬

Happy 2023!
While I took a break from Substack, I did not take a break from living and learning. If you follow me on IG, you know what Iāve been up to. If you donāt, please do š, and Iāll include some videos here today to get you up to speed. The Cliff Notes: Remember High School Guy? Yeah. Wellā¦itās game on, sister. š
I donāt know where you fall in the whole attachment theory world, but as for me, after my marriage, I was pretty avoidantā¦very much a commitment-phobe. And frankly one might say having affairs in the earlier part of the marriage was a way of creating some distance to make me feel more comfortable. š¤·š»āāļø But I always talked a big love game so the guys Iād date were also avoidants who were running an Iām-an-earnest-guy-looking-for-a-relationship-script. So in some ways, we were perfect for each other. See the GIF below? That was the dynamic. They had a let-me-love-you, let-me-love-you energy which I liked on one level but I was like back-it-up, back-it-up energetically because I was afraid. The dysfunction is kind of hilarious when itās illustrated, right?
Are you ready for the mind-blowing part though? After years of doing my work and finally being ready to do the real work of intimacy with someone who had frankly been chasing me down for it from day one, when Iād take my hand off their proverbial forehead so we can deepen our relationship, what do you think would happen? Theyād get scared and peace out. It makes perfect sense when you think about it! They signed up for the girl who didnāt want intimacy. They needed to run an I-want-love script for their own reasons, but that didnāt mean they were actually ready for real intimacy. Itās just that our dysfunctions were compatible! The three significant relationships Iāve had over the past 20-plus years all followed this pattern. Seems obvious but I finally understood on the deepest level that I too, was following a script. If I wanted a different experience, I too, had to be different. I know, DERRRRRRRRRR! š¤Ŗš¤Ŗš¤Ŗ I knew I had evolved. Otherwise, I wouldnāt have seen the pattern so vividly. But at their tail end, patterns are simply habits that need to be distrupted.
I was ready to be in a healthy relationship.
Enter stage left, High School Guy.
Andā¦
He was ready, too.
TBH, he was readier than I was. Heād already been divorced for years and had cycled through the dysfunctional post-divorce relationships we all kinda have to go through to figure out what we brought to our marriages that ultimately failed.
So in the beginning, when I needed space, he didnāt get into a whole donāt-leave-me drama, he would simply give me space.
And as I worked to end my patterns of creating drama and a chase-me narrative, it was one step-forward and two steps back. Sometimes Iād unconsciously create drama. š¤ But he just kinda didnāt participate. He wasnāt dismissive of my drama, but he would say things like, āGetting divorced is tough. It takes a lot of time to feel settled and ready.ā or āIf you need time, take it. Iām here and if itās meant to be, Iāll still be here when youāre ready.ā In other words, my drama didnāt trigger him. He understood it as a part of an unwindingā¦a shitty divorceā¦and ultimately a challenging childhood.
Oh, and we took this whole this sloooooooooooooow.
There was no physical relationship for many months. Zero pressure from him for commitment, sex or anything. He was happy on his own. He didnāt see me as the key to anything so there was no grasping on his end and nothing I felt the need to wriggle out of.
Plus, remember, I stopped dating for a few months. It was almost like changing my diet. Have you ever eaten really clean for a few months and then the idea of Crunchy Cheetos (which you used to fantasize about) actually no longer appeal to you? It was kind of like that. When I stopped having these out-of-habit relationships and situationships with people I had trauma bonded with, I felt ready to actually build something real. Ready, at least, to try. Before I wasnāt even trying. I was just passing the time and treating dating like I was rifling through my snack closetsā¦going from salty to sweet over and over until I felt sick. Repeating old unhealthy patterns. After the man-fast, I felt ready for a normal meal. I had established a healthy appetite.
And as for HSG? Listen, heās hot. Heās kind. Heās patient. Heās funny. He can fix anything. Heās got BDE. Okay, okay, Iāll stop. š¤ But most importantly? Heās healthy. Andā¦so am I. So am I. So. Am. I. š
I donāt actually believe in fairy tales or happily-ever-afters. Not because Iām a cynic, but my happiness isnāt tied into who Iām dating. I was happy before him and Iāll be happy again if we break up. The happily-ever-after concept is based on an attachment to one person and one status quo. And the person Iām most committed to is myself and my growth. š¤·š»āāļø And maybe thatās what commitment-phobia has been for me: This idea that Iād need to be attached to being with another person instead of always being there for myself no matter what pathway my own journey takes me. So hereās what I believe instead: All we really have is the present moment in front of us and rather than scaring myself away with proclamations about the future or preoccupying myself with the past, Iām justā¦right here. In this moment. And the present moment is always perfect because Iām a happy person. My internal weather system is not attached to whatās happening Out There. Today, I happen to be enjoying the unique-for-me experience of dating another happy person instead of being the happy girlfriend of a complicated guy. Hopefully thatās a pattern I can leave with 2022. TBD, TBD.
The one thing I know for sure is that Iām always learningā¦always growing. And I love doing it alongside you. Hereās to a fun 2023 together. š„ I love you. Iām grateful for you.
xo, atoosa
Soundtrack of my š¤š¤ā¤ļø: